just one more step
just one more step
to see the door
those ten short feet seem like a hundred
through a lurking alligator
snapping snapping filled swamp
just one more step
one more step to be a little closer
just one more step
the floor, hot coals
feet, bare
every step burns
smell my burning flesh
just in the mind
that’s truth, that’s true
the door, so solid
hearing the street beyond
sounds of clutter
sounds of confusion
so many locks to keep the confusion out
so safe and warm inside
fingers touch the handle but recoils
so cold
weakness overcomes
can’t go on
can’t
a minute passes then another
the bolted locks impassable
the icy handle painful to the touch
death is cold
imagined death to be cold
lying on a street in winter
at night all alone
the last image
a streetlight with passing drizzle
will not die today, not today
although it is winter
will not be out long
just to the store
just to the store and back
no food
found some beans the other day
but they are gone
and they are gone
and so the door
one deep breath to lift the hand
it is so heavy
it doesn’t feel like mine
need concentration and encouragement
can do it
just get to the lock
to the lock
finally it is there
does it turn to the right or to the left
what if that is wrong
a wrong decision will double confusion
with each wrong decision
until the gods themselves will wreak havoc
to the left
it must be to the left
oh god why do you torment
why call to him
his back eternally turned to this world
a leap of faith
a leap no faith
turn it left
it unlocks
panic
only one more lock and the outside will come rushing in
won’t be able to stop the pain and suffering
of the running rushing people
too busy with their distractions
to notice death approaching
forehead touches the door
strength has abandoned
close eyes and breathe
just one more lock
one more lock
open eyes
and push away from the door
with all the strength left
staring at the bottom lock
to the right or to the left
was it the same or opposite
close eyes
can’t go on
must go on
am the unnamable
the hidden ones
behind doors
not wanted
not needed
will not be missed
buried along with my name
to the right, to the right
the locks are opposite
yin yang
light dark
good evil
another lock opens
relief
then panic
cannot do this
there are crackers
can eat crackers for a day or two
damn it damn it damn it
turns the handle
the cold icy handle
burning burning
the tightly gripping hand
the door opens and abruptly stops
the clank of the unreleased door chain
and the jolt the hand feels as the handle rips free
courage dissipates
what is he doing
what is he doing
what was he thinking
tears explode from his eyes
breath has left him
cannot breathe
cannot breathe
sink to the floor
tears continue
they will not stop
they will not ever stop
hear his cries
like from a distant hillside
too far away to be my own
but closer and closer it flies
until it strikes
knocking him over
with the force of a gunshot
the floor is safe
the floor is safe
cannot fall any further
will not fall any more
bleeding tears until the eyes can bleed no more
and the unheard cries fade into whimpers
as they often do
stay on the protected floor forever
but the door is still open
a little crack for vermin to enter
cannot move
paralyzed with fear and exhaustion
staring at the small ray of daylight coming through the door
waiting for the end
the end does not come
not yet
condemned to suffer longer
just a little longer
and that gives hope
the end will soon come
soon the pain will end
an hour quickly passes
before movement is possible
pushing up
then on to hands and knees
reaching up to the handle of the door
for balance
pulling upright
one foot then the other
uneasy being upright
too high for my shaky legs
just balance
just balance a moment more
locks to the left
locks to the right
leaning against the door
no more strength
need to get back to bed
covered with warmth and safety
under blanket and blanket and blanket
in that darkened room
it is so far away
down the hall
and to the right
a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step
a single step
just one more step
just one more step.
