As this desire for love fades from me
Fades from me again,
I stand looking over the great chasm
Of a solitary life.
I used to be afraid of living alone,
Of dying alone
When the doctor said, “I’m sorry, Mr. K.
But the treatment has been ineffective.
It is time to make your peace.”
I, used to be afraid of not being able
To care for myself
In the last months, weeks, days.
I’m not afraid anymore.
Death comes when she is ready
Ready to take you on your journey.
I, no longer want someone to squeeze my hand
As that heavenly angel closes my eyes
And steals my soul,
Leaving a helpless lover behind.
Death only brings pain to the survivors.
I, have given up on the fantasy
Of finding true love.
Meeting that one person who completes you,
As if there was something missing from you all along.
I am complete without another
Without another’s touch
Another’s laughter
Another’s smile
Speaking gentle, calming words
In the middle of a dark and stormy night.
I will survive the night
Without her words
The sun will rise
Whether or not I wake
Cradled in my true love’s arms.
I’ve tasted love
On serene shores,
Like a picnic
On a warm spring day
Under an angel oak
With a girl whose face
I’ve forgotten.
I try to remember her
but she is featureless
No eyes, no nose,
No tender smile
Softly formed
On the corners of her lips
Her laughter muffled
Within a missing mouth.
This is my picture of love.
Idyllic from the distance
A gurgling faceless creature up close
I, no longer want it to complete me
But its strangeness still quietly calls,
Like a fading memory.
Soon, soon its call will be forgotten.
And I will take a step from the ledge.
Falling, falling swiftly into the chasm.
Trusting, trusting that my landing will be peaceful
In the green, green valley
Of solitude.
