Category Archives: Loneliness

If I 092819

If I spent my whole life with you,

And you died before me,

I would become

Angry, bitter, hateful,

Cursing the heavens

And the earth as well.

Forgetting all joyous memories

In the torturous present

Until my poor heart broke

And I was tortured in my solitude

No more.

 

We only spent a few years together

And I still mourn

For what might have been.

 

Sometimes life is kind

in its cruelty.

 

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Complicated

Life is not complicated.

It is either yes or no,

Stay or go.

 

Do you love him?

Do you want him?

Can you live without him?

 

All three can be answered

With yes or no.

No explanation required.

No validation needed.

 

Feelings will be hurt.

And hearts will be broken.

As ashes fill the air

From burning bridges.

 

But simple questions

Call for simple answers

Spoken honestly

To the ones you leave behind.

 


For W.B. 061019

Thank you, Maude.

Without the despair

That your coldness

Has given me,

I would not have written

The words I’ve written.

 

I would have remained

A happy unknown

Bathing in the warmth

Of your crooked smile

Your beautiful, beautiful crooked smile.

 

Without your detachment

Our hands would have never parted

An embrace forever locked

Like lovers clasped in a tender tangle

Looking to eternity.

 

You have given me many words

But I would exchange

Them all

For the happiness

You would have given me

With your company.

 


I Could

When I think of all the time

I spent alone

Because of you,

I can kick myself.

 

Time I spent thinking

You would come back to me.

You would see the error of your ways.

You would trust me

And forgive yourself.

 

But you didn’t.

And never will.

You have moved on

Not dealing with the pain

Of the past

But moving on to

A different metaphorical future

In a different literal location.

 

When I think of all the time

I have wasted in vain hope,

Thinking that something about me

Was worth the effort,

I could scream.

 

This one is all on me.

I couldn’t let go of

Your head resting on my shoulder,

A whisper telling me to go but begging me to stay,

The forever question in a darkened room.

 

I couldn’t let go

Long after it was gone

Couldn’t, can’t, won’t

Long after we were done

When I think of all the time

I have wasted,

I could laugh

If only, I could laugh.

 


Recovering 052119

Love is an old addiction

And I am in recovery.

Every day I wake up craving it.

It is the first thing.

It is the last thing

I think about.

I think about.

I think about.

 

And you were my drug of choice.

My drug.

My choice.

 

Maybe one day,

I will be a servant

To another mistress,

Slave to another’s touch.

 

But today it is you.

And today

And today

It is you.

 

Old cravings fade so slowly.

Old desires don’t let go

And I go on

With the hunger,

The yearning,

The pain.

 


Exploding Heart 031519

I know that the human heart

houses no emotions

but why does it feel

like my chest is exploding

in slow motion

when you are near?

 

There is a coldness,

a separation,

as loneliness and distance

envelope and overcome me.

 

I am weak

powerless to move,

to turn away

until you look at me

and then I am flung to the depths

of my own despair

because there is nothing in your eyes.

 

There is no love or hate,

apathy or annoyance.

As if I don’t exist in your life

and I don’t exist in my own

conception of happiness.

 

So I stand alone,

chest exploded

dripping life

having not the energy to stand.

Body immobile

air like prison

hardly breathing

having not the energy to breathe.

 

As I fade,

fading slowly

fade away into the dark,

dark places of my soul.


Sliver Moon 011019

I was walking my dog

Late last night.

It was cold and clear.

I was in a hurry being

Tired and wanting

The comfort of my bed.

 

It was then I saw her.

Old Mrs. Mulvaney.

Standing on her porch,

Holding on to the bannister,

To steady herself in the frigid air,

Looking at the moon.

 

It was just a sliver of a moon.

A thin smile

Cheshire cat like

With secrets to tell,

If you would share some of your own.

 

Mrs. Mulvaney had shared,

With the moon and the man she loved

For over fifty years.

He had left her long ago,

To make a place for her in heaven.

And now he waited for her,

Quietly, patiently.

She was not ready to go

But she missed him.

 

So she looked to the moon

Like she did with her husband

And thought of the happy times,

Small moments of joy

Which filled her heart,

So full, that there was no room

For sadness.

 

My dog stopped to look at her

For a moment

And so I stopped as well

For a moment.

And I thought

As I continued on my way,

If only someone, someday

Would look at the moon,

And think of me.