Category Archives: Loneliness

Exploding Heart 031519

I know that the human heart

houses no emotions

but why does it feel

like my chest is exploding

in slow motion

when you are near?

 

There is a coldness,

a separation,

as loneliness and distance

envelope and overcome me.

 

I am weak

powerless to move,

to turn away

until you look at me

and then I am flung to the depths

of my own despair

because there is nothing in your eyes.

 

There is no love or hate,

apathy or annoyance.

As if I don’t exist in your life

and I don’t exist in my own

conception of happiness.

 

So I stand alone,

chest exploded

dripping life

having not the energy to stand.

Body immobile

air like prison

hardly breathing

having not the energy to breathe.

 

As I fade,

fading slowly

fade away into the dark,

dark places of my soul.

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Sliver Moon 011019

I was walking my dog

Late last night.

It was cold and clear.

I was in a hurry being

Tired and wanting

The comfort of my bed.

 

It was then I saw her.

Old Mrs. Mulvaney.

Standing on her porch,

Holding on to the bannister,

To steady herself in the frigid air,

Looking at the moon.

 

It was just a sliver of a moon.

A thin smile

Cheshire cat like

With secrets to tell,

If you would share some of your own.

 

Mrs. Mulvaney had shared,

With the moon and the man she loved

For over fifty years.

He had left her long ago,

To make a place for her in heaven.

And now he waited for her,

Quietly, patiently.

She was not ready to go

But she missed him.

 

So she looked to the moon

Like she did with her husband

And thought of the happy times,

Small moments of joy

Which filled her heart,

So full, that there was no room

For sadness.

 

My dog stopped to look at her

For a moment

And so I stopped as well

For a moment.

And I thought

As I continued on my way,

If only someone, someday

Would look at the moon,

And think of me.

 


My Sentence

I look at my picture

Taken just a few minutes ago

I don’t recognize myself

Who is this unhappy man?

 

My hair hurts.

I run my fingers

Through my scalp

Grasping and pulling

The tortured, graying strands

 

My eyelids heavy.

I lay down on my cot.

I can’t sleep.

But I can’t move.

Laying there for hours.

Until I feel the devil

Grasping and pulling

Me down where demons dwell.

 

Startled at the reality

Of this living hell.

Can’t escape the reality

Of this living hell.

Resolved to the reality

Locked in my prison cell.

Never again to hold

My sweet, sweet Annabelle.

 


Life Continues

Life continues after the music ceases.

You stand unsure

Of which direction to turn

All paths seem sadly familiar

A solitary violinist

Playing something

Vaguely recognizable

On a busy city’s street.

 

And life continues, after the music ceases.

The actor sits alone facing

The dressing room mirror

After the final curtain

The actors have left

The audience has left

But he remains

Unwilling or unable

To let go

Of the joy he felt

Under brightly beaming stagelights.

 

And life continues, after the music ceases.

With or without you

The moments pass

No longer intriguing

A crumpled smile

In silence.

 


What I thought

I thought that there was nothing left.

I was wrong.

I did not understand the depth of my feelings for you.

There is still no one

Who can make me rejoice

At a flash of your smile

Like you do.

And there is still no one

Who can uncover

My infinite loneliness.

 


Equinox 050718

Your sun-drenched smile has thawed my winter walls

Ice, so thick, no one could enter.

The dark cave where I have hid myself

From all others,

No matter their intentions,

No longer cloaks me in my sorrow.

 

You have done

Nothing but bring your warmth

Nothing but smile completely

Melting, melting lonely frost

Like the sun passing its vernal equinox

Calling Inanna from the underworld.

 

I know this spring

Cannot, will not last

But it’s call,

It’s warm winds

Gently lifts my hopes.

And demands emergence

From my winter worries.

 

As I stand exposed

Willing to risk the pain of connecting,

Of connections.

I hope for a fleeting moment,

Bathed in gentle breezes

And soft scented kisses.


And then again 041718

I look down the street at night

Forced perspective in grey scale.

Sharp lines slicing my field of vision

Like the pains of broken glass

Clinging to a misremembered past,

Dividing me from happiness.

The shards eager to slice

And the distance remains distant

And my contentment contentious.

 

I look up into the night sky

The stars reflect pale colors of

Rose, blue, and gold

Blackened forms streak above

Destroying the silent beauty

Of the moon’s soft call

The dark spirits eager to

tear my hopes like

tissue paper on empty floors.

Dropped in distraction, abstractions.

 

I think of you

And then again

My shattered world

Is a reflection

Of multitudes

And multitudes

Of reflections

Of my shattered world

And then again

I think of you.