Category Archives: Loneliness

Words, words, words

11/28/2020

.

Filling a page with scratches,

With symbols of despair.

Desperate to find meaning

Through markings in space.

Combining words

Over and over again

Different varieties

Unique variations

Until they sound important.

.

But they aren’t.

.

There is more meaning

In an empty page

Then in all the countless pages

I have filled.


loved love

I have someone whom I loved,

love.

 

she is not far away,

nearly.

 

I only think of happy times,

sadly.

 


afraid

 

I’m not afraid of dying

Because there’s no one in my life

I’m afraid of losing.

 

 

 


or since you

there were moments of pure happiness

that I experienced with you

that I experienced with no other

before you

or since you

 

but you made me angry

and you made me sad

and I felt loneliness

even while holding your hand

and I never felt that way

before you

or since you

 

now there is emptiness

a hole in my whole

and whatever I do

it’s never complete

because you are missing from my life

 

people talk of soul mates

I don’t know if they exist

but I never thought

that life was so precious

before you

or since you

 

 

 


Love is like Christmas 11/16/16

Love is like Christmas

The smell of freshly

Baked ginger cookies

From grandma’s kitchen

The brightly lit homes

Filled with welcomes welcome

The beautifully decorated tree

Holding gently

Memories of a lifetime,

Ornaments passed from

Generation to generation,

From friend to friend.

 

I walk down the quiet street,

Listening to the holiday parties

The laughter,

The stories

Of good times past

And memories of good friends passed.

Their lives continue

In the retelling of traditions

And of recipes recreated.

 

I walk down the happy street

Where tomorrow morning

Children will rise,

Jumping on their parent’s bed

Gleefully yelling,

Santa was here, Santa was here!

The living room will soon be filled with

Mountains of discarded wrapping paper and

The laughter of children

As they investigate the warranties of their gifts.

 

I stop outside my home.

The darkened rooms.

There is no smell of cookies.

No tree with brightly

Wrapped presents beneath.

 

Love is like Christmas for me.

Never had it, never will.

And the expectation every year,

Of what Santa will bring,

Of what love will bring,

Makes my home a prison,

Sentenced to my gloomy rooms,

Waiting for release.

I walk away from my prison cell

To a darker corner of my town.

 

Mrs. Wilson’s husband passed.

It is the first Christmas without him.

Their only son died in Vietnam

So very long ago.

She sits alone with a scrapbook,

And smiles with tears in her eyes.

 

Mr. Paneer’s wife left him,

Along with the kids.

She always trimmed the tree.

He didn’t buy one this year.

He wouldn’t, he couldn’t.

He drinks another round while

Looking into the empty corner.

 

Mr. Murry died last fall.

His house is dark.

A For Sale sign sits out front.

And that is all that is left of Mr. Murry.

 

I stopped.

A light snow falling down,

Seemed to glisten in the streetlight’s glow.

Dancing, dancing,

Slowly falling.

I held my hand out.

A snowflake landed in my palm

A moment before melting.

Love is like Christmas,

Like Christmas indeed.

 

From Sleeping With Macbeth By A.F. Winter


men are stupid

men are stupid

yes we are

and I am the stupidest

one by far

we only want one thing

and when we don’t get it,

we become bitter angry children cursing the world and its loveliness.

 

never realizing

without being loving

we can never be loved.

without being kind

kindness evades us

without being open

all doors remain closed.

 

 

 So true! So true!!

I agree with you.

Very true.

 


If I 092819

If I spent my whole life with you,

And you died before me,

I would become

Angry, bitter, hateful,

Cursing the heavens

And the earth as well.

Forgetting all joyous memories

In the torturous present

Until my poor heart broke

And I was tortured in my solitude

No more.

 

We only spent a few years together

And I still mourn

For what might have been.

 

Sometimes life is kind

in its cruelty.

 


Complicated

Life is not complicated.

It is either yes or no,

Stay or go.

 

Do you love him?

Do you want him?

Can you live without him?

 

All three can be answered

With yes or no.

No explanation required.

No validation needed.

 

Feelings will be hurt.

And hearts will be broken.

As ashes fill the air

From burning bridges.

 

But simple questions

Call for simple answers

Spoken honestly

To the ones you leave behind.

 


For W.B. 061019

Thank you, Maude.

Without the despair

That your coldness

Has given me,

I would not have written

The words I’ve written.

 

I would have remained

A happy unknown

Bathing in the warmth

Of your crooked smile

Your beautiful, beautiful crooked smile.

 

Without your detachment

Our hands would have never parted

An embrace forever locked

Like lovers clasped in a tender tangle

Looking to eternity.

 

You have given me many words

But I would exchange

Them all

For the happiness

You would have given me

With your company.

 


I Could

When I think of all the time

I spent alone

Because of you,

I can kick myself.

 

Time I spent thinking

You would come back to me.

You would see the error of your ways.

You would trust me

And forgive yourself.

 

But you didn’t.

And never will.

You have moved on

Not dealing with the pain

Of the past

But moving on to

A different metaphorical future

In a different literal location.

 

When I think of all the time

I have wasted in vain hope,

Thinking that something about me

Was worth the effort,

I could scream.

 

This one is all on me.

I couldn’t let go of

Your head resting on my shoulder,

A whisper telling me to go but begging me to stay,

The forever question in a darkened room.

 

I couldn’t let go

Long after it was gone

Couldn’t, can’t, won’t

Long after we were done

When I think of all the time

I have wasted,

I could laugh

If only, I could laugh.